Father’s Day!
Hello Everyone,
I’d like to make a small announcement, I am going to be a father. Yes, I am married and I am happy to report that without even trying I managed to get my wife pregnant. And I’ll admit that when first told the news I was a little ambivalent.
It’s not to say that I’m about to run for the hills or anything. On the contrary my belief in my ability to be a good father would never be strong enough to make me do something so dishonorable. The reason I was ambivalent was due to my belief that I didn’t want kids.
You see I’ve always been uncomfortable around children. Any child who has not developed a strong sense of self is scary to me. I’m not a child at heart, I regularly don’t like children and I assumed that meant I should never be a parent. I’ve never held either of my two nephews and I’m okay with that. I prefer children at least 10 since they seem to have a better sense of who they are. I ignored all my cousins until about that age and now that most of us all grown up, it’s so much better.
A more practical reason for not being a parent is simple. Me and my new bride have some debts and little money and how am I supposed to be a good provider if I can’t get a decent job. I spent the last year at a film school and have plans to try and enter that field. But it’s a tough business and so I will need more steady work, something I’m okay with, but have little experience. Yet i’m willing to take the challenge.
Yes, I was ambivalent. All the baby books we borrowed from the library said it’s normal. Supposedly my own mortality should also be an issue, but I never thought I was going to live forever to begin with. However I’m no longer ambivalent, I’m quite happy. Why is that? What changed my mind?
A few days ago we had a call from our doctor and a little health crisis popped up and our baby’s mortality was in question. Genetic stuff and blood tests, I won’t bore you with the details. But after coming home from the last day of school, my wife said to me; “The doctor called, he wants to see us both.”
That was not good news, no doctor would leave a message and then give us good news. And I was right, we went to his office, he told us what was going on and we’d need to take some blood tests to make sure our baby would survive the womb. So we did. Immediately following our meeting with him, we went to the lab and got those tests done. Then we returned home to await the results.
We got some results back the next day which diminished the threat a great deal, by about half I’d surmise. But we were still not sure and so caution was the order for the day. My wife was feeling much better, but her fears are still there.
And what of my fear?
I was terrified though I’d never admit it. I prefer to keep my emotions close to the vest. Acting hysterically will not inspire courage in my wife and me breaking down into a blubbering idiot wouldn’t change anything. So I say “Everything is going to be all right.”
The next day my premonition came true when our doctor called to tell us that I didn’t care the genetic trait they were looking for and that meant our baby is going to be happy and healthy. Or the baby has a good enough chance at a life that is happy and healthy as any other in the womb. So all is now well.
The point of this story, and I’m sorry for taking so long to reach it, is that I realized that despite my apprehension; I want to be a father, I want to see this little baby brought into the world; raise it, love it, teach it, and I want to save my money so that I can pay for the child’s therapy after I screw him/her up mentally. I love my baby and I just needed a little crisis to make me see it.
But I’m glad I see it now.
Typically people change through a crisis and then they fall back into bad habits. This won’t happen here because my bad habits don’t pertain to my impending fatherhood, only other children. I may not be comfortable around them, but I know my child will be different and special.
I bid adieu,
your Origami reporter,
L.Manly
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Topics: Kids, Health, Family |
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